Fare thee well April! I kicked your butt and took at least one name.

--> Hello Goodbye April!!  <--

Only two weeks until Ky is home for the summer (ack!!!!) and, combined with the end of April, I’m feeling quite reflective today. Sometimes when I’m involved in working really hard for something and I haven’t QUITE made it a reality just yet, I feel like I’ve gotten nowhere. If that brass ring isn’t in my hand, I see it as a failure, regardless of how many inches closer to it I am this month than I was the one before.

To get away from this I’m going to try to remind myself of all the things I’ve pushed forward this month – even things that didn’t pan out perfectly (the 9999 ways to not make a lightbulb and all that…).

Left the least favorite of my two jobs! This has to get top billing.

• Actually FINISHED, with excellent work ethic and grim determination – in a series of 60 hour work weeks – the work I had left at the least favorite job. Omg. Done.
  
  
• Was offered enough solid work in my second job to take me through December in relative comfort! Woohoo!
  
  
• Didn’t let the HUGE rejection I received to a program I’d been pretty much counting on get me down for long…
  
  
• …but instead turned it into a different sort of opportunity that seems to be suiting my mind, my finances and my schedule even better than an acceptance might have.
  
  
• Scheduled time with my old career transition coach for a tune up.
  
  
• Registered for a super cool class this summer!
  
  
• Reached out to (let me check) 12 different organizations that could move me forward in my (new, wannabe) field.
  
  
• … and got positive feedback and even some offers from 3 of them (1 is especially exciting!)
  
  
• Did a Tough Mudder --> Survived!!!!
  
  
• Made a Mindmap of all of the intricate plans, thoughts, ideas and different potential avenues for the next 6 months of my life, all based on my core values.
  
  
• Woke myself up in the middle of the night to write an email I had been dreading – I think I’m glad I did this.
• Spent twice as much time with friends as I ever have – I know I’m glad I did this!
  
  
• Put together all of my thoughts about getting myself career transition coached, and blogged about it.
  
  
• Really took the time to connect to my child, my students, my family members and my friends  - without distraction or impatience.
  
  
• Wrote 6 professional applications including the neverending coverletters, statements, philosophies and specific relevant experience descriptions – this is roughly equivalent to a full 40 hour work week in terms of man hours!
  
  
• Ran 173 miles and enjoyed about 150 of them completely!
  
  
• (listened to Harry Potter Audiobooks 1.3.4.5.and 6 – does this count????)
  
  

Actually there’s even more than this but I’m kind of shocked ----- I DID all of this in April?

Yup. (back pats all around)!

Life of this empty nester: Easter weekend edition

 

• Volunteering with the Audubon Society:  Highly recommend!  It’s outside (win) and birds tend to nest in the spring in beautiful locations (win!) and it’s not only fun but really useful, too. And there’s nothing I love more than learning something new about the world.

 

• Night running: I totally consider myself a morning person, but there’s something about running into the sunset, then finishing your cool down in the twilight of a twisting road through the woods. Creepy? Yes. Awesome? YES.

 

• My secret vice: When I have to work on weekends or holidays (ie. all the time) I treat myself to a VENTI vanilla latte and and a favorite audiobook on my 1+ hour commute. Today’s audiobook?  Harry Potter 5: The Incredibly Annoying Teen Years.

• Not pictured: the ten gazillion pictures of the cat I sent to Ky. I’m such a mom. “The cats miss you!” ---> “I miss the cats so much!!” 

[I’ve checked in with my students about this, and it appears I am not alone in communicating my parental emotions through the medium of the imagined emotional life of the cats. Evidence: my students can immediately access no less than 10 snapchat images of their dog/cat/long eared rabbit with shameless “Buster sends you kisses!” addendums from their parents, and they HAVE TAKEN SCREENSHOTS of them. True story.]

Empty nesting milestone: the first summer home

 

Whoa, can that be right? It’s nearly the end of April and fast approaching Spring semester finals week, which means the end of the academic year is right around the corner. And college students everywhere, steeped in independence and friends and dorm life and cafeteria eating, will beeline to their childhood bedrooms and parents’ presence and healthy fridges filled with a finite amount of non-magically-appearing food.

 

--> Truth be told, I’m a little nervous.

 

Out of necessity, I’ve developed a load of child-free routines for myself.

• working as late as I want without guilt
• spending $40 a week on produce and coffee and olives and eggs, and $0 a week on microwave popcorn, mac-n-cheese and cereal
• being okay with an empty fridge because I haven’t had time to shop and living off the last of the dozen eggs for three days straight (yikes, but this has happened more than once…)
• using the dining-room table as a home office (hello tax forms that I haven’t cleared away yet!)
• filling in my free hours with running, running and more running
• …and working out after work, even if that means I don’t get home until 9pm
• …and going for long walks along the water front late at night when I need to think through the problems of my day with fresh (freezing) air blowing in my face and a stretch of sidewalk to stride along

And of course Ky has developed a lot of mom-free routines, many of which I’m sure will be a surprise to me this summer. 

• eating unhealthy food at will (I know this one already)
• ??? activities at ??? late hours
• ????
• ????
• (realizing that for all our talking, I’m not exactly sure WHAT these new routines are)

I’m nervous about the two of us – once so melded and in sync – trying to work our new [empty nest (me) / college student (Ky)] selves into a cohesive family unit again.

I’m nervous that I’ve been compartmentalizing since Ky has been gone, and when we’re a family unit again I’ll realize how much I miss being a Mom with a growing chick in my nest, and it will be even harder to let my child go next year.

I’m also a little nervous of the opposite: that I’ve grown so used to my single routine, having another person in the house who needs attention and time and effort will require a lot of effort I’m no longer used to giving.

--> I am also soooooo excited!

Half of my professional life operates on an academic calendar. This means that (aside from 8 million other plans) I will have more freedom in my summer than I ever have before!

I’m thinking: camping and traveling and long walks and talks on the beach, road trips and “car food” and sunshine and shorts, swimming and biking, campfires and things toasted on long sticks, “what’s that noise? are there bears here?” middle of the night paranoia, visiting grandparents and finding people to watch the cats while we’re away, wondering if this is the year we should install a window air conditioner and not making a decision before the weather turns cool again and putting the idea off until next year… again… half marathons and tourist traffic and sand in the car and citronella candles and outdoor concerts and wind whistling through the screens at night. Family. Life. Memories. Togetherness.

I can’t wait. :)

This is life. Do what you love.

Remember when The Holstee Manifesto was really popular?


I’ve spent a lot of time pondering this.

If you don’t like something, change it.

If you don’t like your job, quit.

I am currently in the midst of “quitting” my job (but not really – in my line of work there are finite contracts, and I simply let my contract come to an end without doing anything to renew it – ok, that’s quitting).

Thoughts on quitting: it’s terrifying. I mean it’s really terrifying to be so highly trained for a certain line of work, and to be 40-mmmbl and trying to leave that work behind.

• I’ve been told this is “immature”
• I’ve been told this is irresponsible (and I agree with this one in a variety of ways)
• I’ve been told that everyone goes through a period of career questioning – usually in their early 40’s, and equivalent to a mid life crisis – and that the worst thing I could do would be to take it seriously enough to act on it. 
  
  

And out of all of those bulleted thoughts, the things I’ve told myself about leaving are even worse. Harsher. And possibly true, too. 

The reality: “if you don’t like your job – quit” sounds like solid logic and common sense, and is easy to tell another person, and is easy to reminisce about if you have done it in the past **and it all worked out for you, and you are now looking back at it from a good place in life** 

...but the reality is SO MUCH DIFFERENT.... 

The reality for me is that leaving my work and reaching for something more meaningful to me is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life. 

• It has me questioning my work ethics, my maturity, my responsibility, my role as a mother, my role as the leader of our family and the support system for my (grown) child.
• I’ve felt lost. I’ve felt like a failure. I’ve felt like a fool, an idiot, a person who is wasting their life, a person who has been left behind.
• I’ve worked two jobs for two years now to save money – this has led to me falling asleep while in the act of eating my dinner for the first time in my life since I was in diapers.
• I’ve worked the equivalent of a third job trying to move more fully into my preferred career (unsuccessfully so far).
• I’ve taken classes, invested money, time, and SO much energy into trying to make this move.
• I’ve encountered failure and loss, disappointment and embarrassment, fear and insecurity. Hope and excitement, then loss of hope and regret.  
  
  

Six months from now this may turn into an inspirational story. If I succeed, this will be the part of the story where the hero(ine) climbs the mountain, falls, scrambles back to their feet, falls again – all with inspiration music playing the background. 

A year from now I could very well be writing about how leaving my job was the best thing I’ve ever done. I could be a success story. I could be proof that The Holstee Manifesto is totally legit and we should all live our lives this way. 

But I thought I should record for posterity what it actually feels like to live your way into the success story. It’s hard. It’s so, so hard.

Empty nesting milestone: out of the trenches

Having Ky leave on the bus to head back to college was, as anticipated, pretty hard. I'd gotten used to being in my role of Mom to a teenager again and it's the role I think I've loved the most in parenting. I know, every stage (except age 3) was "my favorite" and that hasn't changed over the years. I still think each year is my favorite.

But I've never felt like an especially natural, wonderful mother. At least not compared to those who post every triumphant and perfect moment on blogs. As a single mother, I never really knew if I was doing it right. I didn't have a partner to bounce things off of, and I never had the chance to take a time out to reconsider or observe things with any perspective except "in the trenches."

But parenting Ky as a teenager has always felt really good, really natural and right. I felt like maybe 8 times out of 10 I really was making the right choices, saying somewhere in the neighborhood of the right things. And for me, who was never a 10/10, hit-it-out-of-the-park-each-time mother, 8/10 felt like HUGE success. Near perfection at times!

So yeah. Watching my teen stumble onto the bus with a raft of other teens going back to college, in their new Christmas boots and North Face jackets, dragging skis and kicking backpacks and duffles along the filthy bus station floor as they texted furiously and drowned out the bus driver's announcements with shiny looking Beats that cost more than the Frye boots I splurged on for my birthday. Ky in 4 year old Doc Martins and LL Bean coat and a fuzzy blanket wrapped over shoulders like a long trailing cape.

The drive home for me filled with exhaustion, sadness, missing Ky already, looking forward in some small way to having the house and my time to myself. This will be "the usual". 

Back to contemplating the view from outside the trenches of daily hands-on parenting. 

Empty nest milestone: the first semester away

As of January 2014, I've gotten through the first semester with Ky away and the first lengthy break back home. Some thoughts about this first step into my empty nesting journey:

I miss Ky less in the day to day than I thought I would, though my "life" misses Ky more than I expected to. 

Truth be told, I actually enjoy having the freedom of guilt-free time to do what I want, work as late as I want, go running at odd hours and to schedule things back to back to back without break. Single parenting an only child means that you're all they've got - you're the one they talk to, ask questions of, eat with, wish goodnight before bed. When I wasn't home, Ky didn't have that sounding board and companionship. Guilt used to flood me like acid when I couldn't get out of a commitment and Ky would be left with a microwave leftover dinner (more likely microwave popcorn) and Tumblr or a TV show. Sometimes Ky would call me at work to ask my advice or complain about a terrible day and my mind would spin, trying to switch gears from work to Mom-mode, and I was never the Mom I wanted to be at those times. 

And grocery shopping (or not) is so much easier. I'm a creature of habit in the kitchen, and $30 in produce and a little meat can get me through a week or more without a hitch. It's actually nice to not feel I have to be inventive with dinner, or even make dinner if I'm not hungry, or eat at 10pm if that's when I get home. Added bonus: if I buy a treat, it actually lasts until I finish eating it myself!

However I feel a lot more loneliness in the life-sense than I was expecting. I didn't realize how much Ky anchored me. How wanting to be a better mother and better example for my child actually made me a better person. How much of my definition of myself hinged on the fact that I had someone in my life that was half (or more) of the reason I did things on any given day. How Ky gave me most of my direction and purpose. 

I guess I've realized that as a parent I've grown like a bonzai tree branch around my role as a mother, and with my child subtracted from my day to day life, I'm this weird twisted shape standing alone, not seeming to make any sense without the scaffold I'd been wrapped around.

I always thought I had an incredibly strong sense of myself and sense of purpose as an individual. If I do, I can't remember how I expressed those things just yet. Part of my journey - if that word doesn't make it sound too hokey - is remembering how that rusty machinery works.  

Having Ky back for break has been a huge relief. I feel like things are just as they should be. I don't know how I'll feel next week, when college starts up again and Ky gets back into the ins and outs of dorm life, committees, classes and friends - and I get back to the ins and outs of an hour + commute, two jobs and the hectic rush of trying to fit in one too many obligations to fill the hole I don't want to acknowledge in the center of my life.

Empty nesting : traveling alone

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I can do to turn things around in the funk I've been in lately. 

Here's a short list of things that seem to work for me:

1. Consistent running
2. Planning travel
3. Immersing myself in my latest obsession (whatever that is)
4. Cleaning out my (literal) basement and closets
5. Cleaning out my (figurative) basement and closets by catching up on communication and other things I've let lapse.

Lately I find my mind keeps getting snagged by #2, planning travel. I absolutely love daydreaming about travel, investigating foreign cities from a distance, picturing myself not just visiting there, but actually living there. Somehow this is what travel seems to turn into for me. I want to imagine living there, and spend my time there doing the things I would do if I lived there.

In my daydreams and plans I picture myself on a commuter train, or in a small pub somewhere listening to music, people watching and writing in a journal. I picture going on hikes, finding a nice place to sit back and think or walking through the aisles of a grocery store. And yeah, I also do touristy things once I get there, but it's not what pulls me in to a new place when I'm sitting in my bed at home, staring out at the snow in my yard, imagining a new place to discover.

Traveling alone or as a single mother to a growing child has never fazed me much. It's always felt as natural to me as walking around my own town by myself, and I feel like my mind has always worked perfectly well in that way. Maybe also after 18+ years of single parenting, I don't automatically think of wonderful times and the creation of memories in terms of turning to another person to share them. 

Ky has a lot of jumbled little kid memories of the different places we've lived and traveled around the world (Ky's memories are of 'the place where the toothpaste tasted like soap' and 'that place where you told me not to pet the dogs' -- if I ask if Ky remembers our beach house in Moorea, I might get: "Is that where I dropped pineapple and the ants ate it for days?") -- and I love this, love that those memories are of those day to day experiences that are important to a kid. 

Had I put any forethought at all into becoming a mother, I might have pictured this as the ideal life for us. At 21 I had almost never pondered the question of whether or not I wanted children or marriage. Those were questions for someone older than me, perhaps someone closer in age to my parents. Someone who had gotten all the adventures, crazy times, horrible mistakes and good stories out of their system. When you were ready to have children, I might have thought (had I put any thought into it at all), you were also ready to wither on the vine, relive your best days and finest hours only while drinking one too many glasses of wine at a dinner party thrown by equally has-been friends, and morph into the pudgy, friendly, boring-yet-responsible template of the parents you remember having when you were small. And that wasn't me, not 21 year old me.

I grew up in a huge family, inner city, blue collar, no money. We went camping for vacation, none of us had ever flown in a commercial airplane and we were only vaguely aware that a larger world outside our neighborhood existed. My fantasies about this larger world came from the only source of "global" information a kid could get about it back in the 70's - National Geographic. And the larger world, according to National Geographic, was apparently contained within tiny, colorful villages in Africa, where everyone was constantly topless, and dancing, and puncturing their skin and stretching their necks with beautiful beadwork and metal rings. And my god, the advent of seeing pictures of Jane Goodall actually LIVING there, not only making herself at home in this exotic place but forging an entire profession out of sitting under trees watching animals and contemplating life... this was everything that I could possibly imagine wanting for myself. 

I could not imagine that there was any life for me that didn't include a fate similar to Jane Goodall's. Being discovered by some crusty, foreign museum director. Having my earnest potential shine through. Through unclear, hazy mechanisms being transported to a continent that very literally could not be more different than my 2 bedroom apartment housing a family of 9 in an ethnic neighborhood of an overpopulated city. Being paid (or not, I didn't care) to sit under trees, wash my hair in a stream, be observant, think, ponder, put ideas together, write, watch, listen, walk barefoot, quietly soak in the word and let my observations mix, meld and reform what I had thought I'd known the week before. I could not think of any future that did not include that.

Fast forward to finding myself 21 and pregnant. How could I already be in the stage of my life that required me to be past all of those adventures, past all of the war stories of excitement, fear, struggle, triumph... without ever having tasted that life? To me this fate was unimaginable. 

I pretty much couldn't live like "old people" without living first like myself. And a baby was very definitely on the way. Therefore, I supposed, I must live the life I anticipated, expected, fully ran towards - but AS a mother. In the end Ky and I did live some form of that life. Now that I'm 40 and officially "old people", I can flip back through my mental photo album of Ky and I on the deck of our tiny house in Moorea, cooking in our campsite on the Osa Peninsula, shivering in our townhome in Aberystwyth. I can flip through images of myself studying on trains and planes and in pubs, a sleeping Ky on my lap, getting my degrees and always volunteering for any and all data and sample collection that involved leaving the country. 

Traveling around the world as a single mother came naturally to me, and the infrequent times Ky's dad had summer visitation time and I had some solo time, traveling alone actually felt exponentially easier, safer, and freer. When Ky and I would arrive someplace new, my thoughts were mainly about Ky's safety and comfort. My main vulnerability was my child. When I had the luxury of traveling alone, the realization that I could focus on my own experience felt like an unexpected windfall. I almost didn't know what to do with that much freedom (almost!)

When Ky became a teenager and Ky's dad (now married with several younger children) was more able to spend weeks at a time parenting, I suddenly found myself with the regular freedom to travel solo. At last! Perhaps 16 or more years had gone by since my days of sleeping on the beach with friends in Mexico and I knew I couldn't go back to those days and relive them as a 30-something year old adult. It wouldn't work. But I still felt as if I were being pulled by something inside of me toward the places I'd always imagined traveling alone. 

Before I got pregnant I dreamed almost solely of living like Jane Goodall in East Africa. After Ky was born I couldn't pull that image up too clearly in my mind because it was... I don't know, too personal? to me as an individual. I had to put it away. So while I vowed to not let being a young mother keep me from my dreams, in the end we seemed to travel and live pretty much everywhere but there. 

And when I found myself in 2012 having hit rock bottom emotionally and stagnating in my career, and Ky's dad with an entire summer of visitation, something inside of me dissolved and I felt that same strong pull inside of me. East Africa. I had to go. It wasn't even a question of if I should go, but just that I was being pulled halfway there already and just had to work out the rest of the details. So I went, and so I stayed for 3 months, and so I had every adventure and then some that I ever imagined and so a new branch of my life grew. And so 2012 became one of the strongest years of my life. 

And you probably couldn't have told me that I had any more to learn about traveling alone before I left, but I think I learned about 1000x more than I even knew was missing.

So after all of that roundabout reminiscence, I find myself feeling down and looking at the list of things that seem to lift me when I get to this point in my life.   

1. Consistent running
2. Planning travel
3. Immersing myself in my latest obsession (whatever that is)
4. Cleaning out my (literal) basement and closets
5. Cleaning out my (figurative) basement and closets by catching up on communication and other things I've let lapse.

And I feel so pulled to travel again. I feel that same magnet pull that I've always felt, and with Ky in college, I can't help but realize my "young empty nesting" is probably going to take me back to the roads and work and friendships I made in East Africa.