Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Reminder.... (to myself)

Knowing that Ky's fledging from my warm, loving nest is also a fledging time for me. I have always been a parent, first and foremost. I'm also an individual who, way back in the day, used to stare up into the tree in my back yard, watching the wind blow the leaves around and get hypnotized by their motion, dreaming of my future.

I never dreamed of specifics, but more of feelings. What I wanted my life to feel like, what I wanted to feel like in my life.

I never lost that, parenting, but it got pushed to the back over the years - as did most things that fell below the level of "necessity" or "emergency" - but it never disappeared.

I think rediscovering that inner dreamer, the person who not only had the time to get hypnotized by leaves, but understood on some level how important it was to let that happen, is one of my own wobbly next steps in my life.

How many times has necessity and practicality taken over my entire life? How many times a day now do I still push down my gut feeling in order to make it to my next stop? How much effort and time do I carve out now that I have this new piece of silence at home, this new empty seat at the table (both literally and figuratively), to change the parts that are not working?

Is 40 young, or old? (I honestly don't know anymore)

Ten years from now, when I look back (as I look back on my 30's, now) will I roll my eyes at my 40 year old self for spending precious time worrying about whether 40 was old or young enough to capture something I was missing?

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