Most days ... that's probably not true... some days, sometimes even some weeks I not only have my act
together, but I juggle two high-demand jobs, committees, commitments, physical
endurance training, parenting and planning for the future like superwoman. I end the day with a tall glass of ice cold,
unfiltered pale ale. I bring the glass to the bathroom and sip my beer as I remove
my makeup, carefully, with the facial wipes specific for my skin type - the
ones I researched online, smelled in the store, comparison shopped for and
remembered to bring from the car into the house, and then later remembered to
bring upstairs to the bathroom. I swab
my face and neck with the 15% glycolic acid wipes, skipping the more sensitive
spots. I dry brush the skin of my legs and arms. I pull on baggy shorts and a
tank top, and with my hair in a top knot, I lounge in my sweet smelling,
freshly laundered bed linen, under my giant down comforter. I pull my computer
on to my lap and I return emails. I post in forums. I read, take in, understand
and carefully respond to my friends' stories and ideas. I journal! I play soft
Enya or Einaudi in the background, to remind me of the peace I feel at the end
of a genuinely productive day. I remember to bring my empty glass back down to
the kitchen. I set the timer on the coffee maker (for 445am, so it will be
brewed by the time I wake up). I brush my teeth and add peroxide to my water
pick, and use the entire reservoir full, really doing it right.
And on those nights I think: this wasn't hard. It was
actually very easy. The more I do, the more I feel capable of doing. The more
accomplished I feel, the kinder I am to myself. I have time for everything -
tonight proved it. Today was a good day. A productive, well-lived day. This is
the day that regular grown adults have - every day. This is the day my mother
had, plus some extra children, plus a husband, minus a couple of full time jobs
and sports. This is the day a normal adult is supposed to have - every day.
But after a few days, my energy starts to lower. My linens
aren't as fresh, the cats' water is getting old, the plants are peaky, dust
bunnies are accumulating on the stairs. I can't maintain the perfection of
effort and endurance every day. I start to surf gossip sites, my comments to
friends become argumentative and petty. I don't return calls, because talking
to someone takes up too much energy. I avoid my work email account, knowing the
time it will take to sort through - and a few days of this avoidance creates a
ticking time bomb of stress hanging over me. I keep up with my skin routine
because I can be vain and shallow about my looks and I'll find the extra time
to make that routine happen, but I'll do it while watching Law & Order SVU
with my laptop propped on the bathroom counter, my third beer in a glass next
to me, avoiding my own tired eyes in the mirror and becoming enraged with the
cats for getting increasingly loud in their need for attention. I fall asleep
with lights left on, the latest SVU victim working their way into my dreams. I
awaken unrefreshed and guilty at the magnitude of my to-do list. A day off
could be productive - and I take it - but I lounge all day instead,
rationalizing everything.
The thing is, on days like that - and they might actually be
half my days, if I can admit that - I know how much better I'll feel if I grimly
pen a to-do list and grimly march my way through the top 5 things on it. It
will scare me, annoy me, make me resentful at first - and then the magical
transition happens, when the momentum feels good. I think: this is how it
works. This is how the good times begin. You make a list, you follow through.
You are not afraid to read your email, answer your phone, see your boss walking
up to your office door. You don't regret your dietary decisions, and you don't
watch a low-def youtube videos of a netflix series because you don't want the
people who share your account to know how much time you've invested in TV that
day. You run at the break of dawn, you feel smug and accomplished about that
all day - go on, you deserve it, it was hard - and you tackle things, and you
feel powerful and accomplished and more worthy of self-care.
However today is simply not one of those days.