Tuesday, December 24, 2013

I don't know, universe

A few things I'm thinking about this Christmas eve:

1. Therapy. What is wrong with me? This is my big "starting over" stage, reclaiming my single, footloose life stage, empty nesting - and I feel totally flat. I feel like I've been working my ass off for years, multiple jobs, multitasking at home, crisis management, keeping everything together - and now that I'm 40 and my chick has fledged, I have nothing to show for it. 

I have my child - an admirable, strong, smart, fierce and deeply goodhearted young adult, and I couldn't be prouder. 

But then there's the "me" part, the part that is just me as an individual. I don't resent all the investment I made in parenthood - in fact that's the BEST part of what I have now, when I look at my life as a whole. I can feel proud of it; a real, tangible accomplishment. I feel like I have to explain that, for some reason. But the rest of my life seems to be pretty barren. And I don't know how to remake that.

2. That weird way that things have of turning to shit as I look at them, sometimes. Now is one of those times.

As if it's not enough that I'm alone for Christmas - and I mean totally, entirely alone on the day, for the first time in my life. But then this trail of just shitty, stupid things start appearing in front of me.

I make my morning coffee with sugar free peppermint mocha creamer and smile on my way to my comfy warm bed, thinking that even when the bigger picture looks grim I still have the simple pleasure of a really good cup of coffee. Cue the mug dropping from my hand on the stairway, bouncing off every other step, all the way to the bottom with as much excessive splashing as physically possible, the walls covered, the stair carpet soaked, Ky's leather boots saturated, my white down coat hung over the bannister splattered, the mug finally rolling (thankfully unbroken) under the bench at the bottom of the steps. 

I pass a pile of cat puke off to one side under the Christmas tree. My bright side thought: well at least it's off to the side and I can clean the coffee first before having to deal with it... Cue a second pile of cat puke appearing directly in my path on the return trip from the kitchen.

Stuff like that. The cats constantly fighting. I'm out of waffles. The sophas customer service is closed today, and I urgently need to speak to them. I feel like a loser, in general. Like the universe is telling me I'm a loser, that there's no need for brightside thoughts, that improving my attitude is useless and I need to be taken down a peg.

Yet still, even considering these things, I'm also watching Love Actually - a true sign of Christmas spirit and hope. :)

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