... the more confusing, frustrating, liberating and
intimidating life becomes. Something like that.
I've always considered myself to be at my peak during times
of transition, so in a way I'm finding it awfully unfair to be in my early 40's
and experiencing what I'm told is one of life's bigger transitions and finding
myself not quite hitting my stride. It's like one of those off nights with
friends, where for some reason you're not on your game, your jokes fall flat, you
accidentally chose a shirt that itches and you find yourself clock watching at
10pm. Or is that just me?
The last few months have seen even more transition come into
my life. I've always considered myself to be this one thing, with some major
offshoots. I am "a single mom" in a highly specialized and demanding
career. And now I'm still a mom, but different. And the small voice that has
been telling me (and fought down, with some effort) that the "highly
specialized and demanding career" was not meant to be my entire life path
- that voice got so loud with Ky out of the house that it became the only voice
I had to talk to. Okay, I realized. I have to rethink my entire life - not just
the piece that was me as an in-house, hands on mom.
If empty nesting is emotionally fraught and tricky, then
empty nesting and undergoing a career transition is that times 10. After an
adult lifetime internally battling guilt that either my work or my child was
getting the short end of my evaporating energy and attention, I find myself now
with enough time to devote to something entirely, but I'm left with shadows and
uncertainty. Where IS that needy, sucking, energy vortex of a career when I
need it? My life feels so off center without the pull of child, work, child,
work, that I'm like a planet that has lost its moon and whose tides are
degenerating into an untimed free for all. Mountains crumbling and rivers
running uphill. After a lifetime of chafing under a regular schedule and
fighting tooth and nail for adventure and excitement, I now find myself
striving for some small amount of certainty and predictability.
I'm reaching for a lot of resources in trying to sort this
out. Probably the top 3 this month are:
1. I started seeing a therapist. I don't think she's especially good? but after only 3 sessions, maybe this is
normal. What I want is for her to tell me what to do - how to get my life in
gear, what homework to do each night to achieve my goals, how to find a little
of my center of gravity again. What we do is just talk, the way you might over
lunch with a friend. Catch up on the week, what's on your mind, oh yes I
totally understand that, sometimes that's just the way life works, what does
your schedule look like for next week?
--- that sort of thing. This particular resource I'm not super impressed
with yet, but I'm giving it another month to start feeling worth the copay.
2. This may be silly, but I also got Tony Robbins PersonalPower II CDs. What drew me was the fact that it's something you're supposed to
listen to once a day AND you have an assignment to do, which speaks to the
overachieving student in me like crazy.
I rolled my eyes a lot through the first part of his schpeil and then
started to get the feeling that he was actually kind of a really nice man who
sincerely wants to help people and has some good intentions and a lot of ideas
to help shake things up, which I desperately need. I want to think about my
life differently because I'm stuck, and I want something I can hang my hat on
every single day, something that makes me feel like I'm moving forward rather
than spinning in circles, so I consider this a total win.
3. I'm being more open in my friendships about some of my
struggles. I'm a stuffer and a "Oh things are great!! I'm fine!!"
sort of person, so actually telling people "Umm, I'm struggling and things
are kinda sucky at the moment" is a huge step for me. I find some people
withdrawing from me, not knowing how to deal with an Em that's not perfectly
motivated, happy and winning at life every time I turn around. I find some
people issuing the platitudes "it'll be fine, you'll be fine" that
you do when you don't know what to say, but generally wish someone well. I find some people admitting that they too
struggle, they too are finding life a little hard to navigate, and are grateful
that someone else was willing to admit it so they could admit to not being in
top form themselves. This last group has been a lifesaver for me. It's so nice to be able to just not be doing
fine some days - with company and commiseration.
I've also been putting myself out there a lot and doing a
lot of that back-of-the-mind thinking you do when you can feel the cogs turning
and you have no idea yet what product they're making in the dark recesses of
your subconscious mind. It's all very mysterious and secretive for now. I hope
my mind reveals its big project soon, as I've only got about 10 days left of
Tony Robbins...
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