Friday, April 18, 2014

It's Friday aka "Give myself a break" day

As of this morning I'm officially SICK of judging myself so harshly every day.

This started in an unlikely way - I checked the new releases on Netflix for April (I'm way behind) and the movie The English Patient popped up. Oh man I LOVED that movie when it came out! I couldn't think of anything more tragic and romantic and achingly sad than the story of Katherine and Count Almasy. And I also loved the innocence and depth of Hana and Kip's affair and it sparked years of a crazy mad crush on Naveen Andrews.

The olive oil scene! The hair! Sexy and Awww

Umm... yes please. He just gets better with age.

I finished a grueling day of work on Thursday. Wednesday was a 15 hour day. Thursday was a haze of teaching, a migraine, medication that made me sick to my stomach, an incredibly painful nap in the front seat of my car, training one of my grad students in a tiny box of a fume hood with pain shooting up my neck, an hour + commute home, and massive medication taken with (why? don't know) a beer.

I wrapped myself in heavy socks and a robe and bundled under my down comforter and turned to the comforts of the dessert, Katherine Clifton's arrival and Count Almasy's deep dive into an excruciating infatuation that ultimately leads to pain and death all around. I love the story. I love the colors and the tints the movie was shot in, I love the casting, I love the music, I love the pacing and I love feeling every painful emotion evoked.

Immediately upon feeling these things, my mind reaches for judgment.
  • this is about an affair - that's not romantic
  • this is the movie equivalent of teen angst, haven't you outgrown this?
  • would you even admit to someone you still like this movie?
  • shouldn't you be doing applications/grading/cleaning/at least watching a documentary and learning something?
  • haven't you outgrown these emotions?
  • here you are, wool socks and robe, alone in bed crying over angsty characters in a movie - nice, no wonder you're single...
On and on. I can't believe how my go-to position for myself is to judge every. single. thing. I. think. or do.

I don't know if I feel like judging myself keeps me honest, or keeps my standards up?

It doesn't! It makes me feel like crap about myself and it sabotages even relatively innocent moments like enjoying a movie under the covers after two hellishly long days of hard work.

My goal for this beautiful Friday?

Give myself a break.

  • If I like the English Patient and even (somehow) find Ralph Fiennes sexy in it --> cool.

  • If I drink too much coffee with too much delicious creamer in it --> it's great that I can enjoy it, especially considering how hard I work out and run I totally deserve a treat.

  • If I forget to bring medicine from home and have to spend a fortune buying back up medicine? It happens, and my emergency money is there for that purpose. 

  • Too tired to call my dad, even though it's on my to-do list? Missed the post office to drop of Ky's Easter box? Forgot to take my clothes out of the washer and have to re-wash them because they smell stale now?  --> Life happens, my family loves me and they know I love them, the phone will be there tomorrow and a second clothes washing will make everything fresh again.
Off for an imperfect run on this overcast but thankfully FRIDAY morning!  

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